Tough love is sometimes needed to benefit elderly parents

Marsha Kay Seff
Sun, 29 Jun 2008 21:00:00 -0700
Lifestyle

As you might have guessed, I'm the "pro" for our ask-the-pro questions on www.SanDiegoElderCare.com.
And I tend to answer variations of some questions over and over.

So I thought you might like to keep a few of these at the ready:

Q: My 95-year-old mother-in-law refuses to move to a safe and protective environment of assisted living. How do we get her placed when she is so stubborn? She also refuses help in the home. I need help as soon as possible. We have taken her to several places, but she still says no.

A: Unless you have her declared incompetent (difficult and expensive), you can't force her to move. It sounds as if you could use some professional help. For free counseling agencies, check with your local area's Agency on Aging. Some mediation agencies help families for no cost.

The truth is, sometimes you have to use some tough love: I love you, Mom, but I can no longer visit you when I'm so worried about you being unsafe alone in your home.

And sometimes you need to go a step farther: Mom, I'm going to have to call Adult Protective Services or the district attorney, because you're unsafe in your house and need protection.

Then, you could try fudging: Mom, if anything happens to you, I'm afraid I might be charged with neglect.
The way I figure it, we all do what we have to do to keep our parents safe.

Q: Dad has the beginnings of dementia/Alzheimer's. Mom very recently passed away, and dad agreed to try an independent/assisted-living home. At first, he was somewhat happy (three days). But for the last three weeks, he is obsessed with "going home" and insists that he has his head on straight and will be OK.

We can't afford a full-time in-home caregiver, and want him to stay in the home. He calls 20 to 30 times a day pleading to go home. Visits have become so stressful that I no longer want to go see him.

How can I convince him that the assisted-living apartment is his best option?

A: It takes some people a full year to adjust. Then, most of them really like it. My own mom took that long and, unfortunately, Daddy never did get used to it.

I suggest you contact your local Alzheimer's Association for ideas.

Also, if the folks at the facility could get him out of the room and to some activities, he'd have more fun, meet some buddies and forget to call you. Why don't you call the activities director and ask if there's another man willing to befriend your dad, to volunteer to pick him up for meals and activities.

For now, I'd tell dad the doctor says he's not ready to return home yet, that you'll revisit the possibility in a few months. By then, he could start to like the place.

Again, his feelings are not uncommon and I know they make you feel guilty. But we dutiful children need to do what's right for our parents, even if they don't agree.

By the way, this sounds like a contraction to my first answer. But if dad has dementia and he's already in a home, you're in a better position than if he were still home and refusing to go.

I'd suggest you not give up and take him home then have to start the whole process again later. And if you have the energy, you could show him a few other facilities now and ask him if he'd prefer to move from his new place to another one. It's always good to give parents choices - especially ones we can live with. Encouraging them to make the choice helps them feel more independent.