Final Days in the Maverick War Room

Rhonda Chriss Lokeman
Sat, 01 Nov 2008 21:00:00 -0700
Opinion

John McCain: The Joe-the-Plumber strategy is working, my friends. We're headed to victory. Our rally crowds are getting bigger.

Sarah Palin: Actually, John, my crowds are way bigger than yours. People show up for you mostly to see me. We even quit callin' them McCain rallies. They're Joe-the-Plumber events now.

McCain: What matters is we're playing to our base. I showed great judgment when I listened to whoever said I should pick you over Mitt or Joe. You're political Viagra to our party.

Palin: You betcha!

McCain: OK, where was I?

Palin: You were talking about expanding the powers of the vice presidency when I'm elected, John.

McCain: Yes, of course. The fundamentals of our economy are strong, but the fundamentals of our Constitution are not. After our victory, Sarah will head up a presidential commission on the Constitution. She'll revise and strengthen it, starting with a shake-up in the Congress.

Staffer 1: Sir, I don't think the Constitution allows for that.

Palin: Exactly his point. Change is coming.

Staffer 1: Sir, if we're not careful, people will say you're actually worse than Bush.

Palin: Which means you're not Bush, so that's a good thing, John.

Staffer 2: She's right, senator. You pitched Bush's red-states/blue-states rhetoric for your real-America straight talk. You conjured the image of the scary black man from Africa. You've reclaimed Pat Buchanan's "America First" as your "Country First" slogan. Well done.

McCain: And I've got the scars to prove it.

Palin: John, get back to what you were saying about making Joe the Plumber ambassador to Israel in a Palin-McCain White House.

McCain: I did?

Palin: Remember you said you were impressed with how Joe the Plumber was talkin' about Barack as an enemy of Israel?

Staffer 2: That got us real traction in Florida.

McCain: Joe's doing more for us in Florida than even Rudy Giuliani, who said it first at the convention.

Palin: Except Joe's from the real America, and Rudy's from New York.

Staffer 1: Senator, New York was real enough for the terrorists on Sept. 11.

Palin: The terrorists wouldn't dare strike our small towns, where our colors don't run.

McCain: No, you're wrong. Rudy's not an Arab. He's a decent guy.

Palin: You're right, so we'll keep using him.

McCain: Quick thought: Since Joe's become such a household name, we ought to recruit others like him to work for us. Somebody get me Floyd the Barber on the phone. He's in Arkansas — Clinton country.

Staffer 1: Senator, Floyd the Barber was a character played by an actor on TV's "The Andy Griffith Show."

Palin: John, let's send Floyd to Pennsylvania, Joe to Florida, and the two of us can split Missouri and Ohio.

Staffer 1: He's dead.

McCain: Joe the Plumber's dead?

Staffer 1: The guy who played Floyd. The actor is dead.

Palin: John wasn't asking for Floyd the Actor. He said "Floyd the Barber." Ever heard of Mayberry, USA?

Staffer 1: (sighs and murmurs) Whack job!

Palin: I heard that!

McCain: OK, so Floyd's out. I say we forget the polls and head back to Michigan. Battle Creek is a small town, so get me that cereal pitchman, the guy with the deep voice.

Palin: Yeah, that Tony the Tiger is a real maverick. And real Americans love cornflakes.

Staffer 1: He'd be gr-r-r-r-reat on the trail, except he's not real.

Palin: Party poop!

McCain: Hazel the Maid! She's a straight talker. She'd bring us seniors.

Staffer 1: Not real.

Staffer 2: Senator, Bill Ayers is real. Jeremiah Wright is real. Rashid Khalidi is real. We need to remind the voters who Obama pals around with.

Palin: Yeah, John, Katydid was a PLO spokesman, and Barack had dinner with him.

Staffer 1: Senator, if the governor means Columbia University professor Rashid Khalidi, I'd suggest you not go there. The International Republican Institute, which you chaired, gave Khalidi's Center for Palestine Research and Studies $448,873, according to a 1998 tax filing by your group.

McCain: Never mind.

Palin: John, I totally share your vision, just like I told delegates at the Alaskan Independence Party convention this year.

McCain: Thanks, Sarah. Polls show independents are coming over to our side.

Staffer 1: Actually, senator, the Alaskan Independence Party, of which Todd Palin was a member, is a secessionist party, and the late founder, Westbrook Pegler, was an anti-Semite who hated the United States.

Palin: We see Russia from Alaska, y'know.